What Duncan Teaches Us About Navigating Manipulation
In How to Understand Him, Duncan finds himself torn between two very different relationships: one with Tristan, a controlling and emotionally manipulative older man, and the other with Aron, a lively co-worker who encourages him to embrace his true self. Duncan’s journey highlights how manipulation works, how it impacts us, and most importantly, how we can navigate it in real life. Let’s break it down and see what we can learn from his experience.
What Is Manipulation, Really?
Manipulation is a behaviour we all engage in to some degree—it’s a strategy for getting our needs met. The way we learn to manipulate is often rooted in the environments we grew up in, shaped by family dynamics and communication styles. Tristan, for example, grew up in a household where love was conditional, and his father played favourites—a passive-aggressive way of making sure the other children knew they weren’t “good enough.” Duncan, on the other hand, learnt to prioritise compliance to avoid conflict with his mother.
Understanding why someone manipulates doesn’t excuse it, though. Psychological abuse is never OK, and part of growing is learning to communicate in a way that’s honest and respectful.
Recognising the Signs of Manipulation
Manipulation often begins subtly, making it difficult to detect. Through Duncan’s relationship with Tristan, we see how small, seemingly harmless actions can escalate into full-blown control:
- Dismissive Comments: Tristan subtly undermines Duncan’s self-expression, which ultimately erodes his confidence. He also continues to feed into Duncan’s homophobic beliefs.
- Power Imbalances: As the older, financial superior partner, Tristan uses his authority and experience to dominate decisions and interactions, creating an unspoken hierarchy. We also don’t know what Tristan likes to do for fun, and this emphasises the idea that, according to traditional (read: toxic) masculine values, Duncan (who still goes out to act childish and have fun sometimes) is not an equal partner.
- Gaslighting: Tristan twists situations to make Duncan doubt his perceptions, leaving him feeling confused and isolated. He does this very cleverly by projecting his hurt and pain onto Duncan. He also outrightly lies. One major example? When Tristan claims he never wanted Duncan to move in, despite clear conversations to the contrary.
Duncan’s experience is a powerful reminder to trust our instincts and pay attention to red flags. However, when all you’ve known is psychological and emotional abuse, trusting yourself isn’t always easy. Duncan has been conditioned to normalise lies and deceit, making it even harder to see what’s happening.
The Emotional Toll of Manipulation
Manipulation takes a significant emotional toll, as seen through Duncan’s struggles:
- Eroding Self-Worth: Tristan’s control makes Duncan question his value and judgement. By the time Tristan’s abuse has become more explicit and severe, Duncan’s sense of self is practically non-existent. He’s been broken down to believe Tristan always knows best.
- Creating Isolation: Tristan actively works to keep Duncan from Aron, planting seeds of doubt about his intentions and pulling him away from his job at FRESH.
- Fostering Anxiety: Constantly walking on eggshells leaves Duncan in a perpetual state of fear. This is painfully clear when he panics at the mere suggestion of returning to the apartment to collect his belongings, showing just how deeply the trauma has settled into his nervous system.
These elements illustrate how manipulation not only damages self-esteem but also disrupts mental and emotional stability.
The Power of Healthy Connections
Aron’s role in Duncan’s life serves as a counterpoint to Tristan’s manipulation. Aron’s authenticity and openness offer Duncan a glimpse of what healthy relationships can look like:
- Encouraging Self-Expression: Aron genuinely values Duncan’s thoughts, even if they’re naïve or simple. He wants to know how Duncan sees the world.
- Providing Perspective: Aron’s challenges to Tristan’s behaviour help Duncan see the manipulation more clearly. He encourages Duncan’s critical thinking and teaches him it’s OK to question things.
- Offering Unconditional Support: Unlike Tristan, who makes Duncan feel like he has to earn love, Aron’s kindness comes without expectations, showing Duncan what unconditional care looks like. Even when romantic feelings complicate their connection.
Healthy relationships help us step back and see toxicity for what it is. Aron’s presence is a wake-up call for Duncan, even if he doesn’t realise it right away.
How to Recognise and Handle Manipulation in Real Life
Duncan’s story offers some powerful lessons about dealing with manipulation in our own lives:
- Trust Your Gut: If something feels off, it probably is. Your emotions are valid indicators of unhealthy dynamics.
- Seek Outside Perspectives: Talking to trusted friends, family, or a therapist can help you see patterns that are hard to spot on your own. If a room full of people are telling you the same thing, they’re probably right.
- Set and Uphold Boundaries: Establishing and enforcing boundaries is crucial for protecting your well-being. Think about boundaries in these four areas: physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual. Ask yourself: What are people allowed to do to you? How are they allowed to treat you?
- Work on Self-Worth: Remember that you deserve relationships built on mutual respect, trust, and care. If that doesn’t feel true for you yet, working on your relationship with yourself is a good place to start.
The Power of Fiction in Exploring Manipulation
Books like How to Understand Him create a safe space to explore difficult topics like manipulation. They help us:
- Raise Awareness: Fiction can help readers recognise patterns of manipulation they may not have noticed in their own lives.
- Foster Empathy: Understanding Duncan’s experience can help us support others (or ourselves) in similar situations.
- Inspire Change: Seeing characters break free from toxic relationships can empower readers to seek healthier dynamics in their own lives.
A Testament to Resilience
Duncan’s story is a testament to the strength it takes to recognise manipulation and reclaim your sense of self. His journey shows us that awareness is the first step toward breaking free and that healthy, authentic connections can give us the courage to move forward.
Have you encountered stories that helped you better understand manipulation? What lessons have you taken from them? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Feeling Unsettled?
And if Duncan’s story hit close to home, here are some resources that might help:
– Refuge
And there’s also support available if you identified with Tristan:
– Respect
– StopSO
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