Wesz van der Heide

(Photo by Afta Putta Gunawan)

Unpacking Toxic Masculinity in How to Understand Him: How It Shapes Characters and Relationships

Toxic masculinity—a set of cultural expectations that pressures men to conform to rigid notions of dominance, emotional suppression, and traditional gender roles—is a central theme in How to Understand Him. In this post, we’ll be exploring how toxic masculinity impacts not only Tristan’s character, but also the people around him.

The Exton Family: The Embodiment of Toxic Masculinity

When Tristan returns to his childhood home, the roots of his beliefs in toxic masculinity become starkly clear. Jonathan Exton, Tristan’s father, maintains control over his four sons through favouritism, pitting them against one another in a perpetual competition for affection. In this family system, the brothers were constantly pitted against each other—forever in competition—and learnt they were only worthy of affection when they performed well or achieved.

• Mary’s complicity reinforces this conditional love, creating an emotionally repressive environment. She upholds Jonathan’s power dynamics, teaching their sons that vulnerability equals weakness.
• Henry, the eldest son, strives to please his father by naming his own son after his grandfather. Yet, his efforts only shift his focus to gaining his mother’s approval when his father remains disinterested.
• Xander appears most desperate for his father approval. Much like Tristan, he’ll go to any lengths to get it. His lack of a moral compass is reflected in the way he outed Tristan to their parents, disregarding any of the potential damage this might cause his brother.
• Charlie seems most rebellious of the three, and comes across as smoothly confident and lack luster. However, his plot line hints at deeper struggles—possibly a dysfunctional relationship with food—shaped by growing up in this toxic family dynamic.

Tristan’s visit to his family home underscores how powerful these dynamics can be and how easily one can be drawn back into them, even after trying to leave.

Tristan as the Abuser

Tristan’s adherence to traditional gender norms and his rejection of vulnerability create a facade of control and strength, but ultimately have left him isolated and alone. His inability to be vulnerable and share how he truly feels has become a block to intimacy, and this shows when he’s with Duncan. Their relationship lacks emotional depth, and in moments where either shows a glimpse of vulnerability, the other becomes uncomfortable and shuts it down. Tristan explicitly rejects Duncan’s feelings, while Duncan perceives Tristan’s vulnerabilities as weaknesses. Deep down, Tristan does value and love Duncan, but he doesn’t know how to cope with the fear of losing him, so when a stranger in the club suddenly kisses Duncan, Tristan goes into a blind rage. The shock and hurt he experiences is covered up by anger, because lashing out is easier for him than acknowledging what’s truly going on for him underneath. After all, when he begged Xander not to tell their parents about him being gay, Xander stabbed him in the back and did so anyway. Tristan has learnt it’s safer to stay guarded.

When Tristan’s fear escalates into violence towards Duncan, his hurting of him is also indicative of his own hurt. He can’t engage with Duncan in a way that is authentic, and so his fear of losing him causes Tristan to become more and more controlling. This fear is rooted in his own insecurities: deep down, he doesn’t believe he’s worthy of having someone like Duncan in his life—which, ironically, is exactly what Duncan believes to be true about Tristan. Toxic masculinity, in this way, is a double-edged sword.

Duncan as the ‘New Age Man’

Tristan’s oppressive beliefs about masculinity force Duncan into an emotional corner. His insistence that “real men” don’t express emotions or engage in non-traditional activities (like wearing makeup) leaves Duncan questioning his own identity. The control Tristan exerts fosters an environment of self-doubt and internalised homophobia for Duncan, stifling his ability to explore who he truly is. Tristan’s behaviour confirms what Duncan had already been taught about what it means to be a man from his mother. Ruby Lewis used traditional gender roles to enforce the idea that real men take care of the women in their lives—that men provide and women make the home. Tristan’s views therefore goes unnoticed by Duncan: it’s what he’s already been conditioned to believe. As Duncan then gets to know Aron and gets challenged on what he believes, he starts to reflect and critically evaluate these structures, ultimately realising they’re arbitrary and damaging. In other words, Tristan represents one end of the masculinity spectrum (hyper-masculine and toxic), while Aron represents a man in touch with his femininity (yin and yang). At the start of his journey, Duncan is aligned with Tristan’s worldview, but towards the end of the novel, he’s moved more to the middle of this continuum. Through Aron, Duncan is able to deconstruct his views of gender and eventually become more accepting of his homosexuality.

The Emotional Cost of Toxic Masculinity

• Stifled Personal Growth: Duncan’s growth is delayed because Tristan’s expectations leave no room for exploration or authenticity. The story portrays how societal pressure to conform to “masculine” norms can prevent individuals from reaching their full potential.
• Emotional Isolation: Tristan’s need to dominate and suppress emotion prevents meaningful connection. His insistence on power dynamics leaves him unable to build trust or share his vulnerabilities, which only perpetuates his loneliness.
• Internalised Harm: Duncan’s struggle with self-rejection stems from internalising Ruby’s and Tristan’s beliefs. The nuanced portrayal of Duncan’s inner conflict shows how damaging toxic masculinity can be for those who internalise its standards.

Why Fiction Is a Powerful Tool

I believe stories like Duncan and Tristan’s play a crucial role in dismantling harmful societal norms. By showcasing the real-life consequences of toxic masculinity, fiction can foster empathy and understanding:

• Representation and Reflection: Readers who see themselves in Duncan’s or Tristan’s struggles can recognise similar dynamics in their own lives. This reflection is the first step toward change.
• Breaking the Cycle: By exposing the ways toxic masculinity harms everyone, readers are encouraged to question and challenge societal norms. Aron’s character, for instance, offers an alternative to Tristan’s worldview, demonstrating how authenticity and self-expression can lead to healthier relationships. And, let’s be honest, who wouldn’t love to have a brave, authentic, and sassy boy like Aron in their life?
• Creating Conversations: Books provide a safe space for readers to engage with difficult topics. I’m hoping that Duncan and Tristan’s story inspires critical thinking about gender roles, identity, and emotional health.

Let’s Celebrate Authenticity

For those of you who have read How to Understand Him, I hope it has helped you (start to) question the cultural narratives that define masculinity, and to imagine a world where vulnerability and authenticity are celebrated.

Have you encountered similar dynamics in fiction or life? Share your thoughts in the comments below!